The Noticer - Positive Thoughts for the Dummies

Inspired by the amazing reviews read in the newspapers, I finally bought Andy Andrews's novel of positive thoughts, The Noticer. A huge huge disappointment. The author is celebrated as one of the most influential American authors; he has read lectures as a personal favor to four American presidents. His novels are worldwide bestsellers. So what? The Noticer just doesn't do it for me.

My father was the first one to read it and he just said "Well this book is a joke". I know my father and his skepticism towards the so-called "self-help books". So I didn't really believe his review. Unfortunately, this time he was right.

The Noticer is the story of an old man called Jones (not Mr Jones, just Jones), who goes around Alabama talking to its citizens and pointing out what is wrong with their lives and how it can be fixed. As the old man says himself "I am a Noticer. I notice things that are invisible to other people. " So far so good. Jones insists that for one to change his lifestyle, one just needs a new better perspective. Indeed true. Andy Andrews's ideas are brilliant but their implementation is just mediocre. The Noticer consists of several tales, in which Jones meets a person or a family with a problem, talks to them for several hours and suddenly changes their life for good. Call me realist, pessimist, or cynic, but this is highly unlikely to happen in the real world. If we could fix our problems by just talking to a wise old man, then there will be no problems to solve. I mean, the self-destructive habits that rule our life are rooted so deeply that it takes more than one talk to change them. Not so in the novel though. Upon talking to Jones, people miraculously realize all their wrongdoings and start changing their lives for the better. I do not buy this even a bit. Having experience a lot of problems and a lot of people with problems, I can claim with certainty that this kind of talk will only provoke ridicule and laughter. It would never change the person.

Do not get me wrong. I know The Noticer is just a novel and I might be judging it far too severely. However, I have read many psychological and positive books and I know what I am talking about. Some novels, like Laurent Gounelle's touch your heart and show you the SLOW and DIFFICULT process of realizing your mistakes and fixing them. In Laurent Gounelle's literature, the protagonist again meets his old man but the process of transformation last a lot more than one conversation and is accompanied by disbelief, rejection, suspicion, and downfalls. And indeed, this makes it more realistic and close to the human heart. What Andrews does is create a positive novel for the dummies: "You will meet a strange old man, who will point out all of your misfortunes, you will realize your mistakes, and you will start changing them within 10 minutes". This really sounds like positive thoughts for the dummies. I have had my problems, people have shared their wisdom with me in their 15 minutes of fame, and trust me, this has changed nothing. The only feelings it has provoked in me are hostility and anger towards the unasked advisor.

The only thing I liked in the novel is Jones's metaphor about the four different ways people love. Some people love with words; they need to hear the actual words and express their affection similarly. These people are like dogs, who constantly need your approval to feel appreciated. Other people love with their actions. They will iron your shirt, cook you diner, fix the house, and they expect the same from you in return. These people are goldfish - the goldfish care whether you change their water or give them food. Third people love with their touch. They express positive affection by staying closely to their beloved. They are cats, who need attention and a gentle hand to feel loved. The last group of people love with time. They measure love by the time spent with the object of their affection. They are canary birds. The canary birds just wants someone to stay close by and to listen to its song.

I must admit the above metaphor is quite original and interesting. What Andrews ingeniously points out is the reason that many marriages fall apart, is that people express their love differently. What is more, the way they express their love is the way they expect their spouse expresses it as well. Thus, even though people may still love each other, they are confused and lost and fail to revive their relationship.

Given the above, if you are looking for a positive self-help book, look somewhere else. Andy Andrews's The Noticer is just too shallow a reading for intelligent people like us.

Committed - The Disappointing Sequel of Eat Pray Love

Why is it that the moment a nobody author accidentally writes a besteller, he or she immediately decides to continue in the same direction with the given bestseller's sequel? Is it some king of diluted self-confidence? Is it all about money and fame? Or is it something else?

I do not know the answer but I do know one thing - the sequels for such bestsellers are more or less absolute distaster. Committed by Elizabeth Gilbert is a very good example of that. After the amazing Eat Pray Love, which became every woman's guide towards pleasure and devotion, which make females around the world believe in themselves and in their right for happiness, Gilbert ruined all that great work with her sequel. Committed is by far (and I am not exaggerating here) the worst piece of non-fiction (and fiction for that matter) that I have read for a long time. I adored Eat Pray Love and I was amazed by Gilbert's style, sense of humour, and originality. That is why I didn't hesitate to order the sequel. Worst money spent ever. I want them back.

In Committed the reader meets Liz and her lover Felipe two years after they became a couple. Felipe is refused entry in the USA and the only way to get pass the Homeland Security regulations is for them to get married. Skeptical about marriage (as we learn in the first book), Gilbert decides to investigate the topic and "find peace with it". I hope she did, but I couldn't find any peace with her writing. I was just irritated and disappointed.

Committed is basically a trivia about marriage. Elizabeth Gilbert pours out an enormous amount of information about marriage, its history, its customs, and its traditions. Finally (how useful) she gets to the conclusion that after all marriage is not that bad. She twists information and data to make it work for her case, she scores points for and against marriage, but at the end she is forced to get married by law, whether she likes it or not. It seems to me as the popular fable about the fox and the grapes. The fox can't get the grapes so it is not delicious any more. In the same way, Gilbert is forced to get married and she is determined to convince herself (and the readers) that despite her criticisms against marriage in the first book (and her solemn vow that she will not ever marry) after all marriage is actually great. At the end, she even arrives at the conclusion that marriage is a form of protest agains authorities that attempt to control the masses. I do not even want to start on how she arrived at that conclusion but it is obvious she is trying to justify her actions.

Why don't give us to it straight - if she wants Felipe to live in the US, she has to marry him. She is forced to do so, so she does it. Enough of this bullshit that at the end the reason is that she wants to. No, she doesn't want and if it weren't for the Homeland Security she never would marry. And I wouldn't have pushed myself to read Committed.

The only thing Committed did was ruin the pleasure I had from reading Eat Pray Love. For the sake of it, I refuse to accept that whoever wrote a brilliant insightful and clever book such as Eat Pray Love can end up with such a weak nonfiction literature piece. For me, the only thing that Elizabeth Gilbert ever wrote remains Eat Pray Love.

Eat, Pray, Love - The Modern Woman's Guide to Devotion and Pleasure

Elizabeth Gilbert's Eat, Pray, Love...I have no words to describe this novel or to express my gratitude for the author. Certainly, the bestseller of the year; the most influential "girl" book since...Well I am not going to compare it to anything because it is not like anything I have ever read. The influence this tale of the pursuit of devotion and pleasure had on me is beyond anything words can express. You just have to read it to feel the energy and strength coming from it.

Eat, Pray, Love is Gilbert's biography, which she starts writing at a every difficult time of her life. She is going through a difficult divorce and a remorseful rebound break-up, which both leave her depressed, lonely, and hopeless. Elizabeth had tried everything - psychiatrists, pills, meditation, yoga, another lover...But nothing seems to take her out of her depression and into life again. That is when she decides to take a one year journey in the pursuit of pleasure and devotion. 4 months in Italy, eating pizza and pasta (pleasure), 4 months in India trying to find God within herself through meditation (devotion) and 4 years in Bali combining both. Gilbert shares this amazing journey with the reader, commenting on issues such a self-understanding, religion, devotion, purpose of life, and love. A truly amazing novel, Eat, Pray, Love must be experienced (I am not saying read because this novel has to be experienced with the heart) by everyone. People live such a hasty life now, that they forget to pursuit their own balance and stability. This is exactly what Gilbert aims with this year of travelling. And she succeeds.
The novel as I already mentioned is divided into three parts and into 108 tales. Each part has 36 tales and is devoted to one of the amazing places Gilbert visits during this year. Why exactly 108 - well, you have to read and find out yourself. What is more important is Elizabeth's motivation behind this journey. She gets almost no support from her relatives. They say she is irresponsible to take a year of at the age of 35. However, as Elizabeth points out "I have lost my appetite for life. I need to get it back".

And this is exactly what she does. Gaining almost 10 pounds in Italy, Gilbert indulges herself in the pleasures of good food and good wine. In India she spends almost every hour of the day meditating and trying to find this balance (or God) within herself. Finally in Bali, she is calm, secure, and happy.Throughout this journey the author meets a lot of new people and new friends, who help her in her search for her true self.

I was highly fascinated and touched by the novel. It can still be claimed to be one of those self-help books but I am starting to love the idea of a self-help book. Each and every one I read is better and better than the previous one. I want to compare Lorna Martin's Woman on the Verge of a Nervous Breakdown to Elizabeth Gilbert's Eat, Pray, Love, because both of these novels are full of sarcasm, humour, self-irony and deep honesty. Both authors reveal themselves in a time of crisis and both find a way to deal with it. I am starting to get this sense of admiration for self-sufficient strong women, who do not need men to validate their existence, who are willing to go against the current, so to say, in order to find this inner balance necessary for a happy ending. I would like to believe I can be this kind of a woman some day.

The main difference between Martin and Gilbert, though, is that the latter goes very deep into the self-understanding concept. I mean, she travels half the world in the search of her true self. The author of Eat, Pray, Love is an amazing woman and her autobiography is a must-read for any self-respecting modern woman. What Elizabeth does is to transform the patriarchal view of the woman as a housewife and as a cooker into a self-sufficient individual, who is not afraid to break up with conventional norm and to find happiness in the most unexpected place.

I do not even need to mention that the movie is not even half as influential as the book itself. If you want to feel Gilbert's warmth and passion floating through your body, I suggest you buy this novel and indulge yourself in some properly deserved pleasure and devotion.

Lorna Martin - Woman on the Verge of a Nervous Breakdown

She is a journalist in the Scottish newspaper Observer. She has a stable and loving family, a good and successful job, and loyal and funny friends. Yet, somehow her life is a total disaster. She misses airplanes and appointments, she spends 2 nights in Thailand in a stranger taxi driver's home, and she falls in love with a married man. Her name is Lorna Martin, a successful woman of 35, who has a lot of dysfunctional relationships with men, who doesn't know who she is or what she wants of life. After the last stupid thing in her life, she decides to take measures in her own hands, draws a loan, and starts seeing a therapist to figure out what to do.

At the beginning Martin starts her own rubric in the magazine Grazia called Meetings with the Therapist. People love it so much that she decides to turn it into a book, Woman on the Verge of a Nervous Breakdown. Yes, the analogue is quite right - something like Carry Bradshaw but real. Woman on the Verge of a Nervous Breakdown is the true story of a woman, whose life is a total mess. Martin is painfully honest, strikingly brutal, and amusingly ironic. I loved the book and I am sure every woman will. Lorna manages to uncover all those little secrets and mistakes we women tend to make but are too ashamed to share. And Lorna shares all of this using a unique sarcastic voice, which makes her novel easy and entertaining to read.

I sense that many of you will react Oh boy, yet another one of those self help books. Lorna Martin's Woman on the Verge of a Nervous Breakdown is so much more than that. Even if you don't believe that seeing a therapist can help you solve your life issues, you will find Martin's honesty absolutely lovable. It takes a lot of bravery to unbare one's soul to that extent. Because Lorna doesn't reserve any saucy detail from her peripetia - from the unfortunate relationship with the married lawyer, whom she tortures with endless sentimental (and drunk) messages to the envy towards her sister and her friends' successes.

What I loved the most about the book is the character of Lorna's therapist, Dr. J. She is no regular therapist. Unfortunately, in the UK therapy is a very expensive pleasure and Lorna has to draw a loan since one seance with Dr. J costs more than her monthly rent (imagine that). At first Lorna absolutely detest Dr. J and her habit of answering every question with As you wish. Absolutely marvelous. What Dr. J (of course in my modest opinion) attempts to do is uncover Lorna's anger to determine why her life doesn't make any sense. After 12 months of intensive therapy (3 times a week) Lorna is a calmer, more organized, and more confident woman. Her misfortunes are behind her and finally her life is headed towards the right direction. Without hidden and suppressed feelings, without stupid and inconsiderate acts, and without obsession with men and relationships.

I recommend Woman on the Verge of a Nervous Breakdown because it is light and amusing to read. Martin's voice is compelling and her ability to satirize herself is admirable. Do not be tempted to believe that this is just a pro-therapy propaganda book. Recently I read an interview with Martin in the Bulgarian version of Grazia. Four years after therapy she is happily married and expecting her first child. Seems as if all of us can use a bit of therapy to help us discover feelings we didn't even knew we had, to get to know ourselves better, and to improve our relationship with the surrounding world. Lorna is a perfect example of the heeling effect of this therapy. Care (or may I say dare) to try?

Small Things That Give me Big Pleasure

When I was having one of those terrible days, when everything seems colored in gray tones, my mother gave me a certain book to help me cheer up. It is one of those "self help books" I already mentioned in a previous post. However, Maeve Haran's Froth on the Cappuccino is entirely dedicated to women (I don't ever expect any self-respecting man to read it) and teaches depressed and lonely females to find enjoyment in the small things. 


Personally, I can describe myself more or less as a realist (sometimes even cynical). I am not romantic or optimistic so these kinds of novels simply annoy me. However, although I didn't actually read it (I only skimmed through it), Froth on the Cappuccino inspired me to produce my own list of things that make me smile. I figured, these are the things that make Haran smile. However, I have other aspects of life that make me happy and my personal list will be far more helpful in difficult times. So here it is:

1. Putting everything in order - From my binders, to my books and my room, I like everything to be in order. It gives me the greatest pleasure when all the small things are in their right place. I feel secure, organized, and in control of my life. In addition, I simply love looking at my perfectly organized school binder, music or photo folder, library, or bed. 
2. The first coffee in the morning - Coffee is indeed my favorite drink and I have it not to wake up but because I love the taste, the smell, the appearance. However, the first coffee in the morning is an unexplainable pleasure. I am still half asleep and I feel the warm liquid slowly going down my body and waking up every part of it. 
3. The sun - People who know me very well are aware that I am extremely cold-blooded. That is why, I enjoy the sun and everything about it a lot. I enjoy feeling hot (not just warm, HOT), I love the sun rays on my body, I can't get enough of this feeling of calm and pleasure when outside is sunny and light. 
4. My sunglasses - My favorite accessorize. I never go out without them, I even wear them when there is no need. I have these "kidney" type sunglasses, which are the only ones that fit my face. The other day I broke my last pair and I went straight ahead to buy new ones. I love the feeling of privacy sunglasses give you. You can observe the world around you safely. In addition, sunglasses are a necessary complement to every self-respecting woman. 
5. Reading - Reading makes me not only smile. It helps me forget all the problems around me, escape the present, and dive into a world, where everything I wish is possible. I never ever go out without book (even when I go to the gym I have one). I spent every free minute reading (waiting in line, waiting for a meeting, traveling, even walking). Yes, my new passion is to walk and read. It is an amazing feeling, + the time passes by really quickly and you reach your destination in no time. The downside is that I keep bumping into people and several times I almost got hit by a car/bicycle or another moving object. However, I bravely go on.
6. Sleeping in clean sheets - You know the feeling when you crawl in your brand clean sheets and prepare to fall asleep. They smell like flowers, rain, grass (depending on your fabric softener, or on your mood) and they bring such a great pleasure. I realized I sleep far better when my sheets just came out of the washing machine. 
7. Taking care of myself - I love Sundays, when I intend to dedicate the whole day to myself. I get a long bath, I color my nails, I put on every face mask I have at home, I scrub my body;  I do all those women staff I rarely have time to do during the week. This is my end of the week ritual, which prepares me for the week to come and it is truly amazing because I feel being taken care of. 
8. Seeing the sea for the first time - When I was a little child and I travelled to the seaside with my parents I couldn't wait to see the sea for the first time (after a long and cold climate). Usually, I started screaming and pointing. Even though I am grown up now, this pleasure hasn't change. Every year when I go to the seaside for the first time, I look out the train or bus window, waiting to see the blue waves, the sun, and the sand. I then remember my childhood and all the incredible memories. I also think of all the amazing things that expect me on the seaside this year. Because, let's be honest, the seaside trip is the best time of the year. 
9. Having a gourmet dinner - Being a Taurus, I enjoy a good food. I not only like a well prepared meal but I enjoy it even more when it is nicely positioned and decorated in the plate. It is just a state of art to make a dish that is not only delicious, but looks delicious. I love eating out, whether it is on a special occasion or just catching up with a friend. You get to be served and taken care of. You enjoy a freshly prepared meal of your choice, you chat to your companion and you drink a glass of good wine. And of course, you don't get to clean up and do the dishes afterwards. Pleasure!. 
10. Coming home - As I study in the UK, half of the year I am away from home. Although now my parents do not welcome me as passionately as during the first year (well I come and go every three months so it is not really anything that new and exciting) I still get that amazing feeling when I give my ID at the airport and wait for my luggage. My mother always waits for me, she has prepared a delicious dinner, she has cleaned my room and I am free to rest at home without having any obligations. 

After all, even the most shallow book can turn out to be quite useful. I already felt better just by writing this list. I know there are even more things that bring me pleasure on particularly low days and I will keep the list updated. I hope I inspired you to produce a list of your own. Trust me, you will feel much better. As trivial as it sounds, these little things indeed help when the big things seem to go all wrong. 


@ Amazon: Froth on the Cappuccino: How Small Pleasures Can Save Your Life

The Power of the Self Help Book

Inevitably we fall. And when we do, we explore different ways of dealing with it. Some of us require help from friends, family, and lovers; others rely on themselves and solve the issue in isolation; and yet a third part just ignores the problem and waits for it to pass by.

Sadly, contemporary society views professional help as a sign of weakness, a potential source of embarrassment and pity. People who do ask for specialist help usually keep it a secret, fearful of social resentment and disapproval. And people who do not ask for it condemn those who do as incapable of dealing with life. This is just wrong logic. We were born alone and we die alone but we are not expected to live our life alone. And when we do encounter a difficulty, asking for professional help is the highest level of self help (YES SELF HELP) because we are mature enough to realize that by acknowledging the need of a specialist opinion, we take the biggest step in helping ourselves. 

When faced with relationship issues I usually attempt to solve them by myself or share and ask advice from friends. Last week, however, my flatmate offered me an opportunity I hadn't consider before - a self help book. As much as I believe in professional help, self-help books have always seemed to me rather ineffective and shallow. I didn't believe that a general approach to problems can be helpful when all cases are specific and unique. However, as I was totally hopeless and clueless, I decided to give it a try. After all, I could only lose several days. And potentially I could gain something. 

Indeed I did! John Gray is a bestselling author, lecturer, and relationships counsellor. His book Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus teaches people how to deal with their significant other, when everything seems hopeless. The main point Gray draws is obvious from the title - men and women are from different planets. The author argues that relationship struggles are caused mainly by lack of understanding of our differences. One of the examples relates to men and women's diverse emotional needs. While Martians (that's how he refers to males in the book) seek trust, acceptance, and appreciation, Venusians (women, I mean) need caring, understanding, and devotion. The conflict arises because both parties tend to give what they want in a relationship and not what the other person needs. The result are huge misunderstandings, fights, and alienation. Gray points out, that by remembering men and women actually speak different languages, we can sort out any issue threatening to ruin our relationship. 

You might be still skeptical. Trust me, I was too. While reading I had several thoughts popping up all the time: 1. Where is the line between accepting and working on our difference and losing our true self in the  process?; 2. Wouldn't it seem insincere and offensive to our partner if we changed our behavior over a night?; How do we draw a line between understanding our partner and still keeping self respect? 4. What if we simply cannot work it out? 5. What happens if our partner doesn't notice or validate our efforts? 

Luckily, Gray gives answers to all of those questions. More importantly, he gives convincing and logical answers. No, we do not have to give up or female (male) self; We simply need to learn to be more acceptable of our different expectations and reactions. No, it is not insincere and offensive; on the contrary, it shows devotion and desire to work in the name of love. The line will appear when both parties learn to respect each other, to value each other's opinions, and to understand each other's differences. If we are consistent and hard working and if we really love each other, we WILL work it out. Yes, our partner will notice and validate our efforts but it doesn't happen over a night; it needs time, practice, and devotion. 

I was impressed by the book and its approaches. The most amazing thing about it was that it said things I already knew but never really thought about. When put black on white in a logical order I started realizing the mistakes I made in my relationship, as well as the mistakes my boyfriend made. I figured out the source of most of our quarrels and I learnt ways to decrease them. 

I am willing to apply consistently Gray's advice. I am not sure whether the results will be positive, but as a theoretical approach the book is a catch. Gray indeed gives a lot of examples of people having transformed their relationships quickly thanks to his approach. However, I am the "live it, learn it" type of person. I need to see it by myself to truly believe it. So now I am in the middle. I liked the theoretical part. I will keep you updated whether I succeeded on practice.